Sorry this is so long, but you know me, I have to write it all BOOK length.
Some of you may know that I have, of late, had the opportunity to reflect in some depth on the way I handle my real-life relationships with other people.
Online I'm great. I put myself out there and don't usually see where people snicker at me, think little of me, speak badly of me behind my back, etc.
The trouble is, in real-life I've been having a lot of trouble lately. So let me explain where I'm coming from and I would appreciate some honest advice.
I have held for the last several years a strict policy of assuming the best in others. When something happens I have trained myself to look for the possible good intentions of the person who did it. I try to put myself in their shoes and give them every opportunity to NOT be a villain.
For the most part, I have found that this makes me see things from a more Christlike perspective. (Not that I'm bragging, I know I am far from perfect in this... esp with my kids, sigh.) With practice it has become my nature to think of 3-4 good motivations for an action, even if the action is "bad" by popular standards. This has made it easier for me to see others in a good light and love them in spite, or even because of their mistakes. I even get along with my mother-in-law pretty well (which will shock anyone who has known me long.)
I think I am right in this choice, most people are not cruel by nature. They are God's children, and whatever their mistakes they do things thinking they are doing the right thing. Why would anyone hold a perspective they do not really believe? Why would anyone stand for something unless they feel it is right? They wouldn't, people who know or suspect they are wrong re-think, adjust their stance, try to be more right.
The only cases of cruelty or ill-intent I have seen have been cases where it is obvious to me the person acts out of misinformation or anguish, and how can I condemn them for that?
My trouble lies in my recent experiences with people assuming the worst intentions IN ME. Somehow in this quest of new thinking I have apparently lost touch with the way others think (yes, even while trying to understand how they think. I'm not as smart as I think I am sometimes.) They assume ill-intentions of me all the time, think I do out of spite things I do out of logic and trying to balance the demands upon me. Even when I make a special effort to explain my intentions, they think I am a liar and really mean to injure them.
I really try not to make mistakes, I try to be kind, loving, and thoughtful in all I do. This recent rash of railings against me has left me teetering on the brink of depression and feeling lost.
I have realised that this is a something I really need to learn from, that something in my actions, or perspective must be lacking. This is another refining fire for me, another chance to become better, a chance to more closely align myself with the correct path. It just pretty painful right now, and I long for a sage verse of scripture to spell it all out for me. I need that ah-ha moment that suddenly clicks something inside me and unlocks the view of my next stepping stone.
So tell me, am I really supposed to live my life constantly choosing every action based on the myriad of bad-intentions others will imagine for me? Should I be adjusting my thinking to "How will someone think badly of me for this?" or "What choice will have the least amount of people angry with me?"
How do I live like that? How do I balance having a forgiving heart with living in a world where people seem to WANT to think badly of others? How on earth am I supposed to function thinking along that many paths at the same time, and all the time? My brain is already strained trying to juggle everything I've got going on.
Any thoughts? There has to be a simple solution for this. Something plain and precious, that's how God works, isn't it?
I guess I'm looking for the line between naive and truly wise, can anyone point me the right way?
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Who I was ten years ago
Someone threw the questions out: "Are you the same person you were 10 years ago? Have you changed?"
Naturally this caused a bit of reflection, and I thought I'd post my thoughts here so they don't get lost.
I'm not very old, I'll be 31 next month, but I find as I age I'm kind of making a circle and coming back to be the person I was when I was very little. I'm re-learning to trust God more completely, to think well of people in the world, to love everyone, to think vividly, to give with my whole heart.
Elementary school kind of messed me up, sigh.
When I complete this circle I'll be older, more seasoned, but my ultimate goal is to get to the point where the real me is out there for all to see and not buried under all these layers of pain, sin, and worldly things. She's here inside me, and she is who I really am, I'm just not being faithful to who I am because I've let the world jade me.
There are things in my past that I am ashamed of, sigh, there are things from a few hours ago, yesterday, the day before that, I wish I hadn't done or had done better.
The thing that encourages me is that regret. It means that even though I'm not doing everything right, my intentions and desires are good, I still hunger and thirst after righteousness.
That hunger is the real me, she has always been there, and I'm proud to be her.
Naturally this caused a bit of reflection, and I thought I'd post my thoughts here so they don't get lost.
I'm not very old, I'll be 31 next month, but I find as I age I'm kind of making a circle and coming back to be the person I was when I was very little. I'm re-learning to trust God more completely, to think well of people in the world, to love everyone, to think vividly, to give with my whole heart.
Elementary school kind of messed me up, sigh.
When I complete this circle I'll be older, more seasoned, but my ultimate goal is to get to the point where the real me is out there for all to see and not buried under all these layers of pain, sin, and worldly things. She's here inside me, and she is who I really am, I'm just not being faithful to who I am because I've let the world jade me.
There are things in my past that I am ashamed of, sigh, there are things from a few hours ago, yesterday, the day before that, I wish I hadn't done or had done better.
The thing that encourages me is that regret. It means that even though I'm not doing everything right, my intentions and desires are good, I still hunger and thirst after righteousness.
That hunger is the real me, she has always been there, and I'm proud to be her.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Another moment worth recording
My kids did not fight, argue, or yell for 30 minutes today.
I told them we would use my water color pencils and do art, but they had to be very polite to each other or the art session would be over. They were very good, used please and thank you, took turns with the single set of pencils.
Once they had finished the paintings they immediately started fighting again, but for 30 mintues we had love at home.
I told them we would use my water color pencils and do art, but they had to be very polite to each other or the art session would be over. They were very good, used please and thank you, took turns with the single set of pencils.
Once they had finished the paintings they immediately started fighting again, but for 30 mintues we had love at home.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Small and Simple Things
I have a friend who I admire very much. She's like me, she has to create to stay sane. She is 10 times busier than I am with work, and yet she still finds time to be creative.
I noticed recently that there is a difference in our approaches to creativity, and that I have an important lesson to learn from her. You see, she does a lot of small things, little crafts. She doesn't undertake dragon costumes, doesn't stress herself over sculptures (oh dear... I have another post I've neglected to do). She doesn't burn herself out with her hobbies.
I tend to burn myself out being creative, I'm obsessive really. I know a part of it is because I crave affirmation of my talent via the compliments of others. Another part is the challenge of going bigger, doing better, than what I (or often others)have done before. The rest is the way it feels to funnel my energy into something and make something new out of raw material.
That last part is really the part that matters though. The others are my insecurities, my frailties, but that last part, that is the spark of God within me, is it not?
So I have decided to start finding some little things to do. Small projects, simple projects, little ways to put that spark of creativity in my day to fill the gaps between my big projects.
As King Benjamin said, "for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength."
Also, as Alma said to his son, "behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass."
So if you are ever on my other blog and see something non-astounding, this is why. I'm pacing myself, at least I'm going to try.
I noticed recently that there is a difference in our approaches to creativity, and that I have an important lesson to learn from her. You see, she does a lot of small things, little crafts. She doesn't undertake dragon costumes, doesn't stress herself over sculptures (oh dear... I have another post I've neglected to do). She doesn't burn herself out with her hobbies.
I tend to burn myself out being creative, I'm obsessive really. I know a part of it is because I crave affirmation of my talent via the compliments of others. Another part is the challenge of going bigger, doing better, than what I (or often others)have done before. The rest is the way it feels to funnel my energy into something and make something new out of raw material.
That last part is really the part that matters though. The others are my insecurities, my frailties, but that last part, that is the spark of God within me, is it not?
So I have decided to start finding some little things to do. Small projects, simple projects, little ways to put that spark of creativity in my day to fill the gaps between my big projects.
As King Benjamin said, "for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength."
Also, as Alma said to his son, "behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass."
So if you are ever on my other blog and see something non-astounding, this is why. I'm pacing myself, at least I'm going to try.
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Do you know this song?
This post is going to be a little odd.
Okay, I was reading something on Random Acts of Kindness today, and all of the sudden this song popped in my head. I could hear the tune playing, and the words flowed with it, but... to tell you the honest truth I'm not sure if I was writing it or if I've heard it somewhere.
You've got to understand this is the way things come to me sometimes, they just flow, so maybe it is mine. However, if anyone can point me to a place with a song just like it I'd be grateful someone gave it a better chance than my musical talents ever will.
I've tried googling some of the key phrases to no avail. The verse is low, with emphasis on the last two word of each line. The chorus has two kind of bouncy lines at the front and then the rest is passioned.
Help!
Got myself in a real bad jam.
I knew my soul was all but damned.
I'd lost my faith, I'd lost my way.
knew my debt was to much to pay.
Then I hit bottom hard one day,
knew I had no course but pray.
Chorus:
And then in swooped my Brother,
He was there like no other.
Lifted me up and helped me stand,
and of me plead, did not demand,
"Follow me and learn my way
and all your debt I'll gladly pay."
Every day now I see the dawn
and can't believe the night is gone.
My burden's light, and I am free,
livin his way and I'm happy.
I walk this road, just move my feet
and keep on walkin' Jesus Street.
People ask why I try so hard,
and try to do more than my part.
They think maybe that I'm some saint.
I tell them all, hey, no I 'aint.
I'm just a sinner, freed from sin.
I'm just showin' my love for him.
Because in swooped my Brother.
He was there like no other.
Lifted me up and helped me stand
and of me plead, did not demand,
"Follow me and learn my way
and all your debt I'll gladly pay."
I know I can't really pay it back
but I give even though I know I lack...
Because in swooped my Brother,
He was there like no other.
Lifted me up and helped me stand,
and of me plead, did not demand,
"Follow me and learn my way
and all your debt I'll gladly pay."
Okay, I was reading something on Random Acts of Kindness today, and all of the sudden this song popped in my head. I could hear the tune playing, and the words flowed with it, but... to tell you the honest truth I'm not sure if I was writing it or if I've heard it somewhere.
You've got to understand this is the way things come to me sometimes, they just flow, so maybe it is mine. However, if anyone can point me to a place with a song just like it I'd be grateful someone gave it a better chance than my musical talents ever will.
I've tried googling some of the key phrases to no avail. The verse is low, with emphasis on the last two word of each line. The chorus has two kind of bouncy lines at the front and then the rest is passioned.
Help!
Got myself in a real bad jam.
I knew my soul was all but damned.
I'd lost my faith, I'd lost my way.
knew my debt was to much to pay.
Then I hit bottom hard one day,
knew I had no course but pray.
Chorus:
And then in swooped my Brother,
He was there like no other.
Lifted me up and helped me stand,
and of me plead, did not demand,
"Follow me and learn my way
and all your debt I'll gladly pay."
Every day now I see the dawn
and can't believe the night is gone.
My burden's light, and I am free,
livin his way and I'm happy.
I walk this road, just move my feet
and keep on walkin' Jesus Street.
People ask why I try so hard,
and try to do more than my part.
They think maybe that I'm some saint.
I tell them all, hey, no I 'aint.
I'm just a sinner, freed from sin.
I'm just showin' my love for him.
Because in swooped my Brother.
He was there like no other.
Lifted me up and helped me stand
and of me plead, did not demand,
"Follow me and learn my way
and all your debt I'll gladly pay."
I know I can't really pay it back
but I give even though I know I lack...
Because in swooped my Brother,
He was there like no other.
Lifted me up and helped me stand,
and of me plead, did not demand,
"Follow me and learn my way
and all your debt I'll gladly pay."
Friday, September 11, 2009
What it is like to eat raw squid.
Adventurous aren't I?
What can I say? I do the craziest things for research, within reason, and I don't know where it was that day.
The first thing I should note is that when they bring you squid on your sushi plate, it is placed upon a little roll of sticky rice. Trust me, you want both in your mouth at once.
With the rice, it's not bad. Completely flavorless. I expected salty, and I was wrong. There was no flavor at all.
There was a snap to the squid when I bit into it, then as I chewed it just mixed in with the rice. It was rather unremarkable really. I didn't like it as much as the smoked salmon (now that's good stuff) but I didn't mind the squid at all. I wasn't into the brand of soy sauce they had on hand, so I only dipped it lightly to give it a little flavor.
Then my husband noticed that the thin triangles left when the chef shaped my previous mouthfuls were used as part of the garnish. He scooted them over to my side of the plate and I blithely picked one up with my chopsticks and put it in my mouth.
It was then that I discovered what raw squid is like without rice.
That initial snap was there, where my teeth met the resistance of the meat then the pressure of my jaw suddenly broke through. Then I moved the bite to my molars and started to chew. Squid is not as hardy of a meat as it would initially seem. It's like the opposite of steak, which is tender and pliant at first but resilient in the long run. Instead, squid is firm in the beginning, but then dissolves into a puddle of slime in your mouth.
The worst part was, I wasn't careful to bite all the way through, so I had a layer of slime that my teeth had created on both surfaces, but the inside remained intact. So I had to cut through the layers of slime and sever that intact layer in order to swallow.
Then the slimy sensation of it going down almost brought the rest of my eight bucks back up.
If you ever get brave enough to try raw squid, eat it with the rice, and good sauce.
What can I say? I do the craziest things for research, within reason, and I don't know where it was that day.
The first thing I should note is that when they bring you squid on your sushi plate, it is placed upon a little roll of sticky rice. Trust me, you want both in your mouth at once.
With the rice, it's not bad. Completely flavorless. I expected salty, and I was wrong. There was no flavor at all.
There was a snap to the squid when I bit into it, then as I chewed it just mixed in with the rice. It was rather unremarkable really. I didn't like it as much as the smoked salmon (now that's good stuff) but I didn't mind the squid at all. I wasn't into the brand of soy sauce they had on hand, so I only dipped it lightly to give it a little flavor.
Then my husband noticed that the thin triangles left when the chef shaped my previous mouthfuls were used as part of the garnish. He scooted them over to my side of the plate and I blithely picked one up with my chopsticks and put it in my mouth.
It was then that I discovered what raw squid is like without rice.
That initial snap was there, where my teeth met the resistance of the meat then the pressure of my jaw suddenly broke through. Then I moved the bite to my molars and started to chew. Squid is not as hardy of a meat as it would initially seem. It's like the opposite of steak, which is tender and pliant at first but resilient in the long run. Instead, squid is firm in the beginning, but then dissolves into a puddle of slime in your mouth.
The worst part was, I wasn't careful to bite all the way through, so I had a layer of slime that my teeth had created on both surfaces, but the inside remained intact. So I had to cut through the layers of slime and sever that intact layer in order to swallow.
Then the slimy sensation of it going down almost brought the rest of my eight bucks back up.
If you ever get brave enough to try raw squid, eat it with the rice, and good sauce.
Man, where's my fanfare?
I think I just figured out why my husband plays his video game so much.
He just finished a 25 person fight against some massive foe. He was going around healing everyone, which means he wasn't even fighting, he was support services.
Then as the mighty foe fell the constant stream of direction from the group leader, which blared from his headphones, was interrupted by fanfare. Trumpets and cymbals, everyone rejoiced as they divided up the loot.
NO WONDER he's hooked.
Man if I got trumpets blaring every time I completed a task in my support services roll, you'd better believe I'd be back for more. I'd smell the faintest whiff of poopy and go looking for that diaper. I'd wrestle the kid from my co-worker's arms, then once the foul foe besetting the bitty bottom and the olfactory senses of the world was conquered, I'd get that fanfare! Dum-de-da-da! Another victory for the side of good!Let all the clean bottoms rejoice!
I'd get all the kids across the street safely and then get to watch the parade in my honor.
The guy gets armor, jewels, gold, for slaying beasts. I guard the house against the monsters in the closet every night... where's my gold, diamonds, anyone? Come on!
I guess that's the difference between games and reality though, the fanfare. I'd better just put it out of my mind... no, better yet, I'm going to learn from it. I bet you I can find a fanfare audio file somewhere. Then every time I crunch out oh... 1,000 words in my book (can't make it too easy) I'll play that fanfare. Dum-de-da-da! Thora has just communicated what it's like to eat raw squid. The crowd goes wild! It's a victory over writer's block! Someone call the President!
You know what? I like fantasy. I like that someone says "ding" every time he levels-up his character. I especially like that his playing games has gotten me enough free time to write nearly 80 thousand words since July 27th, and I'm not even support roll on that, I'm the tank, I'm the head spell caster. So there!
Yay me!
I'm going to go find that fanfare now.
(I would also like to take this opportunity to formally thank my real fanfare. You know who you are, though I will never really understand why you love and believe in me so much. I could never get past all my self-doubt and keep writing if I didn't have you my lovelies. Thank you. God bless you all, because I will never be able to repay you fully myself.)
He just finished a 25 person fight against some massive foe. He was going around healing everyone, which means he wasn't even fighting, he was support services.
Then as the mighty foe fell the constant stream of direction from the group leader, which blared from his headphones, was interrupted by fanfare. Trumpets and cymbals, everyone rejoiced as they divided up the loot.
NO WONDER he's hooked.
Man if I got trumpets blaring every time I completed a task in my support services roll, you'd better believe I'd be back for more. I'd smell the faintest whiff of poopy and go looking for that diaper. I'd wrestle the kid from my co-worker's arms, then once the foul foe besetting the bitty bottom and the olfactory senses of the world was conquered, I'd get that fanfare! Dum-de-da-da! Another victory for the side of good!Let all the clean bottoms rejoice!
I'd get all the kids across the street safely and then get to watch the parade in my honor.
The guy gets armor, jewels, gold, for slaying beasts. I guard the house against the monsters in the closet every night... where's my gold, diamonds, anyone? Come on!
I guess that's the difference between games and reality though, the fanfare. I'd better just put it out of my mind... no, better yet, I'm going to learn from it. I bet you I can find a fanfare audio file somewhere. Then every time I crunch out oh... 1,000 words in my book (can't make it too easy) I'll play that fanfare. Dum-de-da-da! Thora has just communicated what it's like to eat raw squid. The crowd goes wild! It's a victory over writer's block! Someone call the President!
You know what? I like fantasy. I like that someone says "ding" every time he levels-up his character. I especially like that his playing games has gotten me enough free time to write nearly 80 thousand words since July 27th, and I'm not even support roll on that, I'm the tank, I'm the head spell caster. So there!
Yay me!
I'm going to go find that fanfare now.
(I would also like to take this opportunity to formally thank my real fanfare. You know who you are, though I will never really understand why you love and believe in me so much. I could never get past all my self-doubt and keep writing if I didn't have you my lovelies. Thank you. God bless you all, because I will never be able to repay you fully myself.)
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Do other people not read this way?
I got looked at oddly this week, which yes, that's par-for-the-course in my life, but it was the sort of odd look that gets me thinking.
So I'd like to put this out there and find out if I'm really that much of a freak. Feel free to comment with "FREAK!" I promise I won't mind.
When I read a book, I am in that world. I am totally absorbed in it, it is all around me, I live that book. If I'm in the middle of a good book and have to put it down to go to work, make dinner, go out to eat, I CANNOT get that book out of my head.
I literally see things differently, the elements of the book keep creeping into my reality. I'm not hallucinating or anything, but things in my life tie into the text.
This doesn't go away until I finish that book. With Harry Potter, it lasted for years because the story wasn't finished (plus, what a fun world to live in!)
I don't know if it's just something I picked up off the autistic spectrum of fun little disorders that was laid out like a buffet before my family. Or perhaps I've just got a knack for suspension of reality. It could also be completely normal, you tell me. Please. I'd like to know.
All I really know right now is I love it and I hate it. I love being able to smear myself with the ink of some other world and live it. I hate that sometimes I have to war with myself to get my head back in reality, it is emotionally painful and... well people look at me oddly.
So, if I start talking about Chinese legends or Greeco/Roman Mythology around you, please forgive me, I'm buried in my own ink, breathing it, drinking it, dreaming of it, and having a glorious time.
So I'd like to put this out there and find out if I'm really that much of a freak. Feel free to comment with "FREAK!" I promise I won't mind.
When I read a book, I am in that world. I am totally absorbed in it, it is all around me, I live that book. If I'm in the middle of a good book and have to put it down to go to work, make dinner, go out to eat, I CANNOT get that book out of my head.
I literally see things differently, the elements of the book keep creeping into my reality. I'm not hallucinating or anything, but things in my life tie into the text.
This doesn't go away until I finish that book. With Harry Potter, it lasted for years because the story wasn't finished (plus, what a fun world to live in!)
I don't know if it's just something I picked up off the autistic spectrum of fun little disorders that was laid out like a buffet before my family. Or perhaps I've just got a knack for suspension of reality. It could also be completely normal, you tell me. Please. I'd like to know.
All I really know right now is I love it and I hate it. I love being able to smear myself with the ink of some other world and live it. I hate that sometimes I have to war with myself to get my head back in reality, it is emotionally painful and... well people look at me oddly.
So, if I start talking about Chinese legends or Greeco/Roman Mythology around you, please forgive me, I'm buried in my own ink, breathing it, drinking it, dreaming of it, and having a glorious time.
Monday, July 27, 2009
I got my first rejection
Just in case anyone is waiting to hear, I got my first form rejection letter today. I'm going to do a bit more research and then submit elsewhere.
And no, I'm not depressed, really, just ready to take the next step. Plus... I'm cooking two other books, lol.
And no, I'm not depressed, really, just ready to take the next step. Plus... I'm cooking two other books, lol.
Monday, July 20, 2009
If I go crazy
If I go crazy in the next couple of weeks it's for a very good reason.
No, it's not the end of summer maddness.
No, my kids have not driven me over the edge.
No, it's not my job/volunteer work.
No, it's not my dirty house.
I'm just waiting to hear from one of the best reputed book agencies in the business, and they give a four week window for a response.
Yes, my book is finished. It's been done for a few weeks now, and I've had two people go through and edit it. After changing all the "to/too"s I spent a week at my keyboard writing the query letter and synopsis. It took about an hour to get up the guts to hit send when I emailed the agents. I had to tell a friend on IM I was sending it, and she basically held my hand from across the sea as I willed my self to make that final click.
I've spent so long NOT telling people all about my book that it made me feel pretty vulnerable to nicely wrap it up and throw it to the sharks. Sink or swim little book. Sink or swim hours of research, late nights at the keyboard, characters I know like no-one else will, and intricate world that sprung from my heart.
I don't even get to watch it like I watch my kids in swim class. It's just gone, out there, completely out of my hands for the next 1 to 28 days.
So I'm trying not to think about it. I'm trying not to compulsively check my email too.
In that effort I went and spent way to much on fabric for Halloween costumes today (yes I know it's July, haven't you gotten started yet?). If you've ever taken three kids to a monstrously huge fabric store I'm sure you can guess that I didn't think about my book the entire time I was there. But the 115 minutes there and 140 minutes back? I thought about it, so I turned up the music and chair danced in the traffic jam, much to the amusement of the other drivers.
But now I'm home, and the envelope symbol on my yahoo mail icon is lit up.... ooh is it? Is it? No... it's Amazon with a sale on music to dance to in my car. To bad I just spent so much on fabric.
I think I'll go sew, or bead, or clean, or eat, or dance. Anything really to keep me busy...
while I think about it.
No, it's not the end of summer maddness.
No, my kids have not driven me over the edge.
No, it's not my job/volunteer work.
No, it's not my dirty house.
I'm just waiting to hear from one of the best reputed book agencies in the business, and they give a four week window for a response.
Yes, my book is finished. It's been done for a few weeks now, and I've had two people go through and edit it. After changing all the "to/too"s I spent a week at my keyboard writing the query letter and synopsis. It took about an hour to get up the guts to hit send when I emailed the agents. I had to tell a friend on IM I was sending it, and she basically held my hand from across the sea as I willed my self to make that final click.
I've spent so long NOT telling people all about my book that it made me feel pretty vulnerable to nicely wrap it up and throw it to the sharks. Sink or swim little book. Sink or swim hours of research, late nights at the keyboard, characters I know like no-one else will, and intricate world that sprung from my heart.
I don't even get to watch it like I watch my kids in swim class. It's just gone, out there, completely out of my hands for the next 1 to 28 days.
So I'm trying not to think about it. I'm trying not to compulsively check my email too.
In that effort I went and spent way to much on fabric for Halloween costumes today (yes I know it's July, haven't you gotten started yet?). If you've ever taken three kids to a monstrously huge fabric store I'm sure you can guess that I didn't think about my book the entire time I was there. But the 115 minutes there and 140 minutes back? I thought about it, so I turned up the music and chair danced in the traffic jam, much to the amusement of the other drivers.
But now I'm home, and the envelope symbol on my yahoo mail icon is lit up.... ooh is it? Is it? No... it's Amazon with a sale on music to dance to in my car. To bad I just spent so much on fabric.
I think I'll go sew, or bead, or clean, or eat, or dance. Anything really to keep me busy...
while I think about it.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Thoughts on Thirty
In the year leading up to my birthday several people asked me how I felt about turning thirty. They always did it with that gleam in their eye. The gleam that revealed they expected their rather melodramatic young friend to give them a good show of grief and remorse for the loss of her youth.
I'm afraid I rather failed them, shame on me missing a chance to perform, but the simple fact of the matter is I have long looked forward to FINALLY turning thirty. After all these years, frustratingly stuck in my twenties, I'm free.
At last, a full adult, still physically young and full of life, but grown up at the same time. No longer when my age is asked do people stop listening when I say "I'm twe....." for I am not. I'm thirty. I am no longer in that purportedly carefree and energetic decade, no longer lumped with a ten year span of peers who freely use youth as an excuse for gross errors.
I am thirty! I'm in the decade that people write for themselves, the decade where you begin to live the life you have formed for yourself. The decade where you get to know your kids as people and not mini-me dolls that ruin your sleep. The decade where you settle into the rhythm of being alive.
It is such a relief to finally be here, finally at an age that seems to match where my soul has been all along. I'm finally at an age where the battle scars are part of the costume, introspection is socially allowed, and just wanting to experience the real things in life isn't so unusual. I'm no where near "over the hill" I'm just high enough up on the slope to have a really nice view.
So if anyone is thinking I'm secretly bemoaning the loss of my twenties and feeling old, you couldn't be more wrong. I love it. I love being thirty and I'm looking forward to forty now. These are going to be some great years. I'm going to learn so much, experience so much, love so much. I'm going to enjoy every minute of it. Come on thirties, what have you got for me?
I'm afraid I rather failed them, shame on me missing a chance to perform, but the simple fact of the matter is I have long looked forward to FINALLY turning thirty. After all these years, frustratingly stuck in my twenties, I'm free.
At last, a full adult, still physically young and full of life, but grown up at the same time. No longer when my age is asked do people stop listening when I say "I'm twe....." for I am not. I'm thirty. I am no longer in that purportedly carefree and energetic decade, no longer lumped with a ten year span of peers who freely use youth as an excuse for gross errors.
I am thirty! I'm in the decade that people write for themselves, the decade where you begin to live the life you have formed for yourself. The decade where you get to know your kids as people and not mini-me dolls that ruin your sleep. The decade where you settle into the rhythm of being alive.
It is such a relief to finally be here, finally at an age that seems to match where my soul has been all along. I'm finally at an age where the battle scars are part of the costume, introspection is socially allowed, and just wanting to experience the real things in life isn't so unusual. I'm no where near "over the hill" I'm just high enough up on the slope to have a really nice view.
So if anyone is thinking I'm secretly bemoaning the loss of my twenties and feeling old, you couldn't be more wrong. I love it. I love being thirty and I'm looking forward to forty now. These are going to be some great years. I'm going to learn so much, experience so much, love so much. I'm going to enjoy every minute of it. Come on thirties, what have you got for me?
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Reading to My Son
I had already sent the kids to bed tonight when I head footsteps coming up behind me. It was my 6 yo son, who wrapped his arms around me as I typed. I stopped to give him a snuggle, intending to send him right back to bed.
Then he started reading my screen, struggling over the eloquent words I sprinkle liberally in my writing. My book was open, as I have been neglecting the laundry in favor of writing tonight. He got to where the cursor was flashing and asked what came next. So I got to brag to my son about the book I was writing and how what came next wasn't there yet, for I had yet to write it.
He was fascinated, and asked all about my book, its length, its subject... all with the excited twinkle only children can hold within their eyes. Thank heaven for little boys.
I scrolled back several pages and he crawled up on my lap. I read him the section of that story, with all the emotion and familiarity only the author can produce. He was entranced and kept stopping me to ask questions.
I showed him the special greeting exchanged by my fantasy characters, and he is so thrilled to be the first person on earth to know about that, like it's some great secret that will gain him entry into a magical place.
Perhaps it did, perhaps he is in this magical place with me. The magical place of my creation, known only to myself and a select few. All I know is I've got a fan, and it means everything to me to know that something I wrote can bring such light to my child's eye.
Even if I don't get published; if the years of typing and research and love come to naught, and the world I created is only shared with my family and friends; I will at least have shared it with my children. I will at least have given them a glimpse of what it means to create, and how delicious creation can be.
Then he started reading my screen, struggling over the eloquent words I sprinkle liberally in my writing. My book was open, as I have been neglecting the laundry in favor of writing tonight. He got to where the cursor was flashing and asked what came next. So I got to brag to my son about the book I was writing and how what came next wasn't there yet, for I had yet to write it.
He was fascinated, and asked all about my book, its length, its subject... all with the excited twinkle only children can hold within their eyes. Thank heaven for little boys.
I scrolled back several pages and he crawled up on my lap. I read him the section of that story, with all the emotion and familiarity only the author can produce. He was entranced and kept stopping me to ask questions.
I showed him the special greeting exchanged by my fantasy characters, and he is so thrilled to be the first person on earth to know about that, like it's some great secret that will gain him entry into a magical place.
Perhaps it did, perhaps he is in this magical place with me. The magical place of my creation, known only to myself and a select few. All I know is I've got a fan, and it means everything to me to know that something I wrote can bring such light to my child's eye.
Even if I don't get published; if the years of typing and research and love come to naught, and the world I created is only shared with my family and friends; I will at least have shared it with my children. I will at least have given them a glimpse of what it means to create, and how delicious creation can be.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
This may not mean anything to anyone else but...
I have finished the final battle scene in my book. I'm pages away from finishing my first draft.
There's a little mini-Thora jumping around gleefully inside of me, and she doesn't even mind that my husband teased me for crying over imaginary deaths.
(Oh and sorry, writing and getting my head around all the crazy personal stuff that has happened lately has rather kept me from blogging.)
There's a little mini-Thora jumping around gleefully inside of me, and she doesn't even mind that my husband teased me for crying over imaginary deaths.
(Oh and sorry, writing and getting my head around all the crazy personal stuff that has happened lately has rather kept me from blogging.)
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
I know why they call it Fall
I know why they call it Fall, and really it has very little to do with leaves.
Fall is my favorite season. There is something about that nip in the air that brings a quirk to the corner of my mouth. After being baked out of my clothes all summer, it is time to take out the clothes that cuddle my whole body and wear them in layers. I wait all year for my orange shirts to be in season, for my velvet jackets to come out of the back of the closet, for the long stripey socks to sneak up from the bottom of my drawer. It's time to show my colors again, it's time for Fall.
It's time to start making things with my hands, and thinking of giving to people I love. It's time to carve pumpkins and bake pies. It's time to stop mowing the lawn and start amassing deep and fluffy piles of leaves. It's time for cocoa and warm apple cider with a spoonful of honey. It's time for hiding with a book under a blanket on the chaise lounge. It's time to watch an enormous black and orange spider spinning his massive web from the bushes to the eaves. It's time for witches, for moonlit magic, and for buckets of candy. It's time for Fall.
Fall is the season of turning inward. As we wrap our jackets ever tighter about our chests we are warming up our hearts, getting ready for a season of love and celebration. We begin to think of all we have in a natural pre-winter inventory. While the squirrel sums up his stash of nuts we take stock of our blessings, as innumerable as they are.
Then our thoughts turn to families and friends, the true treasures of life, and we long to have them near our side. So we pull them tight around us, just like our jackets, and bask in the warmth of their love. We share a turkey, or a steaming bowl of soup, or perhaps just a late night long-distance call. We utter the words "Happy Thanksgiving," but instead they hear, "Thank you for being part of my life."
As the bright leaves cascade all around my house, and the acorns tap, tap, rattle-roll down my roof I'm taking a moment to let Autumn flow through me. I thank Heaven for the beauty around me, for my blessings, and for this season.
Autumn is when I fall back in love with life, and that's why they call it Fall.
(This is my submission for the November "Write-Away Contest" on Scribbit)
Fall is my favorite season. There is something about that nip in the air that brings a quirk to the corner of my mouth. After being baked out of my clothes all summer, it is time to take out the clothes that cuddle my whole body and wear them in layers. I wait all year for my orange shirts to be in season, for my velvet jackets to come out of the back of the closet, for the long stripey socks to sneak up from the bottom of my drawer. It's time to show my colors again, it's time for Fall.
It's time to start making things with my hands, and thinking of giving to people I love. It's time to carve pumpkins and bake pies. It's time to stop mowing the lawn and start amassing deep and fluffy piles of leaves. It's time for cocoa and warm apple cider with a spoonful of honey. It's time for hiding with a book under a blanket on the chaise lounge. It's time to watch an enormous black and orange spider spinning his massive web from the bushes to the eaves. It's time for witches, for moonlit magic, and for buckets of candy. It's time for Fall.
Fall is the season of turning inward. As we wrap our jackets ever tighter about our chests we are warming up our hearts, getting ready for a season of love and celebration. We begin to think of all we have in a natural pre-winter inventory. While the squirrel sums up his stash of nuts we take stock of our blessings, as innumerable as they are.
Then our thoughts turn to families and friends, the true treasures of life, and we long to have them near our side. So we pull them tight around us, just like our jackets, and bask in the warmth of their love. We share a turkey, or a steaming bowl of soup, or perhaps just a late night long-distance call. We utter the words "Happy Thanksgiving," but instead they hear, "Thank you for being part of my life."
As the bright leaves cascade all around my house, and the acorns tap, tap, rattle-roll down my roof I'm taking a moment to let Autumn flow through me. I thank Heaven for the beauty around me, for my blessings, and for this season.
Autumn is when I fall back in love with life, and that's why they call it Fall.
(This is my submission for the November "Write-Away Contest" on Scribbit)
Thursday, October 30, 2008
I have been "TAG"ed
Well thanks sis, lol.
The Rules for playing TAG:
The Rules for playing TAG:
- Link to the person who tagged you
- Post the rules on your blog
- Write six random things about yourself
- Tag six-ish people at the end of your post
- Let each person know he/she has been tagged
- Let the tagger know when your entry is up
Now for six random things (which is going to take some serious thought because "Numb3rs" had altered my perception of random.)
- I have double jointed thumbs, which I realise isn't the right medical term but :p on that. All I know is that if I make a thumbs up the part of my thumb beyond the last knuckle points back towards my wrist.
- I have an extra vertebra, my S1 isn't fused to my S2 like it's supposed to be. Which means I can really swivel my hips (ZUMBA!), but when that baby goes out of line it takes relaxation exercises and contortion to get it back in.
- I tend to go home and cry if anyone is rude to me or sets me straight in a not-so-nice way. Pathetic I know, but what can I say? An open heart is open to it all. I'm going to keep it open though.
- I haven't really fought with my Mother-in-law in months. Miracles really do happen, lol. I think she just figured out that if I'm making a stand, it's never on anything I'm flexible on.
- Chocolate and oranges were made to go together, if you don't see at least two ways that applies to me you don't know me very well.
- I hate video games.
I was tagged twice, so here's the other one.
Rules:
1. Get the book that's on your nightstand (or whatever you happen to be reading).
2. Open it to page 56 and find the 5th sentence.
3. Post the next couple of sentences on your blog, along with these instructions.
4. Do not go and find your favorite book; it has to be the one you are reading now!
5. Tag five other people to do the same.
I've been working my way through the New Testament. The other book I read is the one I'm writing and you aren't getting that!
Mark 1:28
And immediately his fame spread abroad throughout all the region round about Galilee.
I tag: Crystal, Kate/wiimiii/law, RubyJade, Bethany, Kaylene, and Jenni
Just pick which game you want to play!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Perfect Mother
Some time ago my daughter brought home something extra from school. It was a page torn from the the back of a magazine on which was depicted a cartoon super-mom complete with cape. In her innocent adoration of her mother, my daughter told me the pictured woman was me. I took comfort that in spite of all my failings, to her I'm a super mom. Then recently she brought home a worksheet about what she wanted to be when she grew up. I found it the highest compliment that she put it in writing that she wanted to be like me. The magazine page is in the back of my Primary binder (where I can stumble on it and be reassured while failing miserably at my calling,) and the worksheet is on the fridge where it has brought many a smile to my face and tingle to my nose.
I can only hope that my daughter keeps up her angelically forgiving attitude as long as I kept up mine towards my own mother. I hope that by the time she figures out how incredibly young, flawed, and inexperienced I was when she was growing up, I will have become a bit more like the person that she seems to see in me.
It's not an easy goal to reach, but then Iit is hard to find a definition of a good mother that is both desirable to me and attainable. For example, let me illustrate the skills and duties of the "perfect mother" in my culture.
The ideal woman must:
The reader must be informed that these are the expectations of my culture, not my religion. Our church leaders are constantly telling LDS women that we should be kinder to ourselves. In fact, any good hearted man with half a brain would never place so many requirements on anyone.
The fact of the matter is, we do this to ourselves. In so many cases the guidance of our leaders is added to a list of chores instead of internalised. "After I clean the house and put the finishing touches on the charity event I need to practice having charity towards myself," we think to ourselves, and here's a shocker, we never get around to it!
So to my fellow exhausted and overworked LDS moms I offer this perspective. You are raising children, not a house. None of us will be judged on judgment day on the number of vegetables we masked with jello salad. The parable of the talents wasn't talking about toll painting, it was talking about spiritual gifts, Things like listening, forgiving, and sharing are the things we are to invest and reap the rewards of. He was telling us to use what gifts we DO have to build His kingdom, not that we are lacking if we do not develop more.
One of my dearest friends says she doesn't have any talents, and yet she is a really great friend and teacher. She greets new people at church all the time, she has a great shoulder for crying, she has a really positive attitude, she double fills her multiple callings, and she supports her husband in his good works. Now that's a good woman.
Personally, I sing, dance, paint, sculpt, plan parties, decorate cakes, sew, crochet, write, and make yummy Italian. My REAL talents, though, are my ability to love people and my desire to bring them joy. Those are the talents that God cares about me using, those are the talents that I need to invest myself in. The others are just fringe benefits to being me and ways to supplement my REAL talents.
What each of us needs to do is find out what her real talents are and invest herself in them. In our efforts to beautify the world we really need to start with making ourselves more beautiful inside. Make kindness a priority. Slow down just a bit.
The dishes will be there tomorrow, the laundry will always be heckling you from the couch, there will always be another meal to make, silver to polish, phone call to make... the world is not going to stop being so DEMANDING. You have to learn to tune it out, and get tuned in on the things that really matter.
Kind, meek, charitable, temperate, forgiving, long-suffering; those are the words that you want contesting for room on your tombstone, those are the skills that you need to master.
In Matthew 6:33 the Saviour admonishes his disciples "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." If they in their tasks as fathers, husbands, and disciples were to set aside the aspirations of their society and put following Christ as their first priority, how much might we prosper from a similar mindset?
Instead of wasting our time in search of perfection, if we took every moment and looked for the good we could do in it, then the perfection would come to us.
I know, I ask the impossible, I ask you to give up the pursuit on which you have based your identity. I ask you to somehow find the time to stop and think in each moment when you hardly have a moment to think. It's the only way though, it's the only way we are ever going to conquer this world.
Stop doing all the things that make a person the "perfect mother" and start to BE a more perfect person.
I can only hope that my daughter keeps up her angelically forgiving attitude as long as I kept up mine towards my own mother. I hope that by the time she figures out how incredibly young, flawed, and inexperienced I was when she was growing up, I will have become a bit more like the person that she seems to see in me.
It's not an easy goal to reach, but then Iit is hard to find a definition of a good mother that is both desirable to me and attainable. For example, let me illustrate the skills and duties of the "perfect mother" in my culture.
The ideal woman must:
- Keep an immaculate house at all times.
- Decorate said house in crafts she's made with her own two hands.
- Take her 3+ children on visits to the park, but make these trips learning experiences packed with science, sociology, literature, and art.
- Teach each of her children 1-20 and a-z before entering kindergarten.
- Have her children evidence perfect decorum on shopping trips, in church, at social functions, and certainly at school.
- Read to each child every night before tucking them in, this is in addition to listening to them as part of homework.
- Be spiritually balanced and ready to extemporise on gospel principles with no advance notice.
- Cook gourmet meals from a pantry stuffed with whole wheat and legumes.
- Maintain her own appearance at least at a 7, even if she wasn't a 10 in the first place.
- Be employed in either a job, hobby, or volunteer work to "contribute to society."
- Bake her own bread.
- Be actively involved in church, holding imortant positions and going the extra mile.
The reader must be informed that these are the expectations of my culture, not my religion. Our church leaders are constantly telling LDS women that we should be kinder to ourselves. In fact, any good hearted man with half a brain would never place so many requirements on anyone.
The fact of the matter is, we do this to ourselves. In so many cases the guidance of our leaders is added to a list of chores instead of internalised. "After I clean the house and put the finishing touches on the charity event I need to practice having charity towards myself," we think to ourselves, and here's a shocker, we never get around to it!
So to my fellow exhausted and overworked LDS moms I offer this perspective. You are raising children, not a house. None of us will be judged on judgment day on the number of vegetables we masked with jello salad. The parable of the talents wasn't talking about toll painting, it was talking about spiritual gifts, Things like listening, forgiving, and sharing are the things we are to invest and reap the rewards of. He was telling us to use what gifts we DO have to build His kingdom, not that we are lacking if we do not develop more.
One of my dearest friends says she doesn't have any talents, and yet she is a really great friend and teacher. She greets new people at church all the time, she has a great shoulder for crying, she has a really positive attitude, she double fills her multiple callings, and she supports her husband in his good works. Now that's a good woman.
Personally, I sing, dance, paint, sculpt, plan parties, decorate cakes, sew, crochet, write, and make yummy Italian. My REAL talents, though, are my ability to love people and my desire to bring them joy. Those are the talents that God cares about me using, those are the talents that I need to invest myself in. The others are just fringe benefits to being me and ways to supplement my REAL talents.
What each of us needs to do is find out what her real talents are and invest herself in them. In our efforts to beautify the world we really need to start with making ourselves more beautiful inside. Make kindness a priority. Slow down just a bit.
The dishes will be there tomorrow, the laundry will always be heckling you from the couch, there will always be another meal to make, silver to polish, phone call to make... the world is not going to stop being so DEMANDING. You have to learn to tune it out, and get tuned in on the things that really matter.
Kind, meek, charitable, temperate, forgiving, long-suffering; those are the words that you want contesting for room on your tombstone, those are the skills that you need to master.
In Matthew 6:33 the Saviour admonishes his disciples "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." If they in their tasks as fathers, husbands, and disciples were to set aside the aspirations of their society and put following Christ as their first priority, how much might we prosper from a similar mindset?
Instead of wasting our time in search of perfection, if we took every moment and looked for the good we could do in it, then the perfection would come to us.
I know, I ask the impossible, I ask you to give up the pursuit on which you have based your identity. I ask you to somehow find the time to stop and think in each moment when you hardly have a moment to think. It's the only way though, it's the only way we are ever going to conquer this world.
Stop doing all the things that make a person the "perfect mother" and start to BE a more perfect person.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
All of the sudden I'm a soccer mom
Alright, so none of my kids are in soccer, but I'm assuming everyone else in the world knows that's a demographic label for all mothers with kids in "activities," right? The embarrassing truth? I'd never really realised I was one until recently, is that horrible?
I have to admit, I wasn't really prepared to dive in to this portion of my life. I don't know why, I just kind of expected a few more years of reprieve before I had to juggle games and practices with work, hobbies, church calling, more hobbies, and husband. In point of fact I would probably have neatly avoided this whole whole "activities" experience if I hadn't moved to a community where "community" is so pervasive.
I had hardly moved in before a friend at church was asking if Tali was going to take dance, or even Jay, there are lots of boys at the studio she goes to... what about Jordan? So I look in to the price... uhhh no. Then I mentioned to her that I was going to need a part time job, and she hooked me up with my job.
It's a great job. I work with kids, I have great co-workers, great bosses, take dinner with me, get a discount on our family membership. Which is to say I am now plugged in to "activities."
I'm still getting used to this whole way of life. It's not at all a bad thing, it's just different from what I expected. This is just not a page I ever really expected to be writing on in my life.
To be honest I've still not completely defined to myself why this is such an odd fit for me, why I feel so awkward at the sidelines of my son's t-ball practices or watching my kids on parent day at swim lessons. I just feel like this is "old hand" for everyone else, like they are easily taking the steps in a line-dance that somehow I've completely missed out on learning. "Hey, who wants to bring snack for after our first game?" The volunteer coach's wife asks. The gears in my head were still catching up with her question when someone else had already volunteered. I just really hope I didn't look as completely inept as I felt at that moment. I mean, snacks, yeah, I heard soccer moms did that, but... am I a soccer mom now? I guess I am. I guess I was the summer before last when I was watching my kids take swim lessons and I just didn't know it.
But... I'm NOT a soccer mom! I'm not! I'm a bookworm, seamstress, creative, computer-junkie, kind of mom. I'm the kind of mom who makes pointy ears for all 25 kids in the class to wear in the play and who brings in strawberries for snack.
I'm... I'm... I'm not who I thought I was. I've been tricked!
I don't even know how to handle all this soccer mom stuff, I mean... wasn't I supposed to have an opinion on soccer mom types before I became one? Over-protective, laid back, competitive, which am I? I find myself cheering for every clank of ball and bat, be it our team or not... and then I think, "Am I doing this wrong? Am I supposed to participate more, or less? Is my son stuck out on second base the rest of the season? How many innings are there in t-ball? Why are there 9 innings in baseball anyway, and who gets more at bat? Why do they wear batting helmets when no one is pitching? Why didn't I think to bring lawn chairs and bottled water like everyone else?"
I just don't get it, I feel so... dumb! I'm not used to feeling dumb. But when it comes to sports and kids activities I simply don't know what I'm doing. I'm so out of touch that the whole thing feels very surreal. I was sitting there in my lawn chair at his second game, bottled water in hand, and it just felt like I was living a day out of someone else's life. There is NO WAY I was really sitting in a southern park in October watching a t-ball game while a bluegrass band practiced nearby. How did this scene get in my plot?
And now we've come to the part of my post where I sum it all up and say something sage that makes my Daddy proud and my sisters miss me... but tonight I'm out of sage-ness. So I think I'm going to take my hormonal, chubby, soccer mom self to bed and have a good cry to help get my head around all this. I'm going to take a few hours to figure out how I got from where I was to where I am, and how much of who I was I gave up getting to be who I am.
Don't worry, I'll be fine. I'm sure that some time tonight I will reconcile all this. Then with the morn I will take solace in the fact that, at the very least, we do not CURRENTLY own a mini-van. Both labels might have killed me.
I have to admit, I wasn't really prepared to dive in to this portion of my life. I don't know why, I just kind of expected a few more years of reprieve before I had to juggle games and practices with work, hobbies, church calling, more hobbies, and husband. In point of fact I would probably have neatly avoided this whole whole "activities" experience if I hadn't moved to a community where "community" is so pervasive.
I had hardly moved in before a friend at church was asking if Tali was going to take dance, or even Jay, there are lots of boys at the studio she goes to... what about Jordan? So I look in to the price... uhhh no. Then I mentioned to her that I was going to need a part time job, and she hooked me up with my job.
It's a great job. I work with kids, I have great co-workers, great bosses, take dinner with me, get a discount on our family membership. Which is to say I am now plugged in to "activities."
I'm still getting used to this whole way of life. It's not at all a bad thing, it's just different from what I expected. This is just not a page I ever really expected to be writing on in my life.
To be honest I've still not completely defined to myself why this is such an odd fit for me, why I feel so awkward at the sidelines of my son's t-ball practices or watching my kids on parent day at swim lessons. I just feel like this is "old hand" for everyone else, like they are easily taking the steps in a line-dance that somehow I've completely missed out on learning. "Hey, who wants to bring snack for after our first game?" The volunteer coach's wife asks. The gears in my head were still catching up with her question when someone else had already volunteered. I just really hope I didn't look as completely inept as I felt at that moment. I mean, snacks, yeah, I heard soccer moms did that, but... am I a soccer mom now? I guess I am. I guess I was the summer before last when I was watching my kids take swim lessons and I just didn't know it.
But... I'm NOT a soccer mom! I'm not! I'm a bookworm, seamstress, creative, computer-junkie, kind of mom. I'm the kind of mom who makes pointy ears for all 25 kids in the class to wear in the play and who brings in strawberries for snack.
I'm... I'm... I'm not who I thought I was. I've been tricked!
I don't even know how to handle all this soccer mom stuff, I mean... wasn't I supposed to have an opinion on soccer mom types before I became one? Over-protective, laid back, competitive, which am I? I find myself cheering for every clank of ball and bat, be it our team or not... and then I think, "Am I doing this wrong? Am I supposed to participate more, or less? Is my son stuck out on second base the rest of the season? How many innings are there in t-ball? Why are there 9 innings in baseball anyway, and who gets more at bat? Why do they wear batting helmets when no one is pitching? Why didn't I think to bring lawn chairs and bottled water like everyone else?"
I just don't get it, I feel so... dumb! I'm not used to feeling dumb. But when it comes to sports and kids activities I simply don't know what I'm doing. I'm so out of touch that the whole thing feels very surreal. I was sitting there in my lawn chair at his second game, bottled water in hand, and it just felt like I was living a day out of someone else's life. There is NO WAY I was really sitting in a southern park in October watching a t-ball game while a bluegrass band practiced nearby. How did this scene get in my plot?
And now we've come to the part of my post where I sum it all up and say something sage that makes my Daddy proud and my sisters miss me... but tonight I'm out of sage-ness. So I think I'm going to take my hormonal, chubby, soccer mom self to bed and have a good cry to help get my head around all this. I'm going to take a few hours to figure out how I got from where I was to where I am, and how much of who I was I gave up getting to be who I am.
Don't worry, I'll be fine. I'm sure that some time tonight I will reconcile all this. Then with the morn I will take solace in the fact that, at the very least, we do not CURRENTLY own a mini-van. Both labels might have killed me.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
There is nothing so universal as individuality
Yes, I came up with that on my own, thank you.
It's true though, there really is nothing so universal as individuality. Taking the statement as a whole, in the entire human family there are no two people exactly alike. Even twins vary in their experiences and outlook, and while there are common threads in nearly every heart, no two hearts will experience life the same way.
If we were put in a centrifuge and by sheer force lumped together with like minded persons we would still find in each layer of humanity a richness of variation and complexity that is un-chartable. Each person is entirely and beautifully unique.
Individuality is an interesting word though. In it's archaic sense it meant something that could not be divided, inseparable. Then after the "indivi" part we find the word "duality." This is interesting to me simply because duality is being two things at once. Indivisible dual nature, what an intriguing concept.
The theology which I subscribe to informs me that the two sides of my soul are flesh and spirit, the two key elements in my personal evolution, and the struggle between them decides the direction I take in this life and in the eternities. The purpose of this life is to learn to bring the flesh into subjugation to the spirit, to overcome the lust and desires of the flesh in favor of the quiet and favorable needs of the spirit.
I see people all around me who do all they can to express their individuality without taking into consideration what it really means to be an individual. It's not about what color you die your hair, your clothing style, how many various and sundry groups you belong to. Your individuality is really about where you stand in the process of perfecting yourself, and if you are even aware that this process is the goal of your existence.
I am as guilty of imperfection as anyone, but I often wonder what people are thinking as they go about their lives. Is introspection really as rare as it seems? I wonder how it is that people can be represented as polar opposites and yet in many ways be so alike in their individuality? I wonder if, as life on this spinning rock draws to a close, people die as alike as they are when they are born? Do most of us learn what we lived to learn? Are we as wise as when we first opened our eyes?
All those moments between birth and death, and what do they teach us, what do they prove? Just this, we have to choose. We much each choose the conquering part of our dual nature, and in doing so we reveal as a race the true nature of mankind.
I have great hopes of what that summation will reveal, don't you?
It's true though, there really is nothing so universal as individuality. Taking the statement as a whole, in the entire human family there are no two people exactly alike. Even twins vary in their experiences and outlook, and while there are common threads in nearly every heart, no two hearts will experience life the same way.
If we were put in a centrifuge and by sheer force lumped together with like minded persons we would still find in each layer of humanity a richness of variation and complexity that is un-chartable. Each person is entirely and beautifully unique.
Individuality is an interesting word though. In it's archaic sense it meant something that could not be divided, inseparable. Then after the "indivi" part we find the word "duality." This is interesting to me simply because duality is being two things at once. Indivisible dual nature, what an intriguing concept.
The theology which I subscribe to informs me that the two sides of my soul are flesh and spirit, the two key elements in my personal evolution, and the struggle between them decides the direction I take in this life and in the eternities. The purpose of this life is to learn to bring the flesh into subjugation to the spirit, to overcome the lust and desires of the flesh in favor of the quiet and favorable needs of the spirit.
I see people all around me who do all they can to express their individuality without taking into consideration what it really means to be an individual. It's not about what color you die your hair, your clothing style, how many various and sundry groups you belong to. Your individuality is really about where you stand in the process of perfecting yourself, and if you are even aware that this process is the goal of your existence.
I am as guilty of imperfection as anyone, but I often wonder what people are thinking as they go about their lives. Is introspection really as rare as it seems? I wonder how it is that people can be represented as polar opposites and yet in many ways be so alike in their individuality? I wonder if, as life on this spinning rock draws to a close, people die as alike as they are when they are born? Do most of us learn what we lived to learn? Are we as wise as when we first opened our eyes?
All those moments between birth and death, and what do they teach us, what do they prove? Just this, we have to choose. We much each choose the conquering part of our dual nature, and in doing so we reveal as a race the true nature of mankind.
I have great hopes of what that summation will reveal, don't you?
Monday, September 29, 2008
The reflection in my childrens' eyes
When I was younger people would comment to my mother how good her kids were, and she would always blame all the goodness on having started with good stock.
The nature verses nurture debate will last forever, but I like to think that every child reflects two sets of parents. Each of us reflects his or her earthy parents, be they biological or adoptive, and heavenly parents, the ones who fashioned our souls.
I think my mother had a point, my kids are certainly better people than the influence of their family and friends could have possibly made them. There is something in their eyes that reflects goodness known longer than their sojourn under my roof. There is a spark of love in them that is eternal and perfect, and the proof of divinity lies within that spark.
I live in wonder of all that God teaches me about Him and I through my children, and I thank Him for them every day.
Friday, June 27, 2008
I collaborated on a song recently
My friend sent me a file with a rought melody in it, she said that it was a song she had been writing and it needed words. As soon as I heard it I could feel the words coming together in my soul. So I put the kids to bed that night and sat down to see if I could pin those words down.
To tell the absolute truth though, I didn't write the words alone, and my freind didn't write the music alone. If you want to know who we had helping... read on.
He Loves Me Because I’m His Daughter
In a world ever changing I’m trying to grow,
and among all the paths pick which one to follow.
But among all life’s mysteries, this one thing I know,
That He loves me because I’m His Daughter.
I have beauty and promise I don’t always show.
If you look at my head you won’t find a halo,
But through all of my struggles this one thing I know,
That He loves me because I’m His Daughter.
So I pray to him each day, and through his guidance
I’m finding his ways… this I always know
That He loves me because I’m His Daughter.
There are good works and service that I strive to do,
and because of his blessings I seem to come through,
Then with each of our triumphs we prove this is true.
That He loves me because I’m His Daughter.
Through devotion and strife, I’ll prove with my life,
That I’m like him because I’m His Daughter.
If you want to hear the tune you can find it here, the person singing is my friend who wrote the music, and due to the recording conditions and the tune not being suited for her voice it's not the best recording in the world, but I still love it. I figured those who love me will love it too.
To tell the absolute truth though, I didn't write the words alone, and my freind didn't write the music alone. If you want to know who we had helping... read on.
He Loves Me Because I’m His Daughter
In a world ever changing I’m trying to grow,
and among all the paths pick which one to follow.
But among all life’s mysteries, this one thing I know,
That He loves me because I’m His Daughter.
I have beauty and promise I don’t always show.
If you look at my head you won’t find a halo,
But through all of my struggles this one thing I know,
That He loves me because I’m His Daughter.
So I pray to him each day, and through his guidance
I’m finding his ways… this I always know
That He loves me because I’m His Daughter.
There are good works and service that I strive to do,
and because of his blessings I seem to come through,
Then with each of our triumphs we prove this is true.
That He loves me because I’m His Daughter.
Through devotion and strife, I’ll prove with my life,
That I’m like him because I’m His Daughter.
If you want to hear the tune you can find it here, the person singing is my friend who wrote the music, and due to the recording conditions and the tune not being suited for her voice it's not the best recording in the world, but I still love it. I figured those who love me will love it too.
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